"What God Considers Great"

"The discovery of a calling is not a simple process, nor should it be. It is rare that a person hears a voice from heaven. The apostle Paul did, but Timothy did not, nor did most of Paul's companions in the faith. I have not yet met a person who has heard God speak to him or her as one person speaks to another. For most of us, our calling will emerge over time and through experience. We will discover it by simply living and learning, failing as well as succeeding, experimenting, and, above all, listening. What we should listen for is not so much a voice from God but the voice of God as he speaks to us through reflection, talents, experience, opportunity, community, and the gladness of our own hearts." 

pg. 184 - The Will of God as a Way of Life by Jerry Sittser

Just back from the last class of a course called "Living Truthfully." The Jesuit who teaches this class is one of the sweetest, most genuine men I've met at BC. I've become more critical of BC in these last few months, but he's proof there's still good people and leaders here. (NB- hopefully I can get him to do a LIFE TEEN mass =D) 

- This class has been all about figuring out how to live "the unique experiment that is YOU" correctly, without being someone we're not. It's really a simple concept. God has given you specific, unique gifts and your only goal, the only thing you ever need to worry about is being the best YOU that is possible. You don't have to live up to other's pressures on you,  you just need to figure out what God has given you and how to use it in a way that benefits the world and yourself. 

Simple concept. Be yourself. Live the gifts that God has given you to their (and your) full potential. 

What are my talents? I have no idea what the big picture of my life yet. And I certainly don't know what the next step in my life is yet. However, I am going to trust in God that He will lead me to where I need to be. I'm going to try to focus on the small steps ahead of me (seeing the lit square that I need to step to next) instead of freaking out about where I will be in 30 years. 

We'll see how it goes. 

Wait! They don't love you like I love you.

I went to a job fair today in Boston. So weird. I had one-on-one convo's with a few employers. After today I can definitely see myself teaching next year. It's just hard to make a definite decision. I feel like every option requires me letting another option, person, or opportunity go. 

1. I could teach, in Massachusetts next year. 

PRO's: 

- cash-money ($$$). not the main reason, obv, but definitely a consideration. this means I will have a better chance of paying a) my OUTRAGEOUS student loans, b) potentially buy a car, c) APARTMENT. please.

- staying in the area. still allows me to participate in LIFE TEEN. and see my friends. 

- for extra cash-money ($$$), I can still work @ gap (specifically in wellesley =), inherent pro included)

- more intellectually challenging and fulfilling then gap. 

CON's: 

- Italy would be out of the question.

- less time @ gap (specific con*: less time spent with _) - this is a fairly large con. unfortunately. 

- waking up early.  (pathetic I know, but still legit)

- less time for travel/adventures/enjoying being young

2. remain at gap (wellesley)

PRO's: 

- decent money for what it is

- flexible time to travel, etc

- makes Italy (at least time-wise) feasible

- more time&focus for LIFE TEEN

CON's:

- realistically, not enough cash-money ($$$) (see: no apartment, more arguments with madre&padre, alty's imminent death and no replacement)

- how to explain "I just wanted a year to relax" to future employer(s)

- mind-numbing work (see: gapcards, visual standards, camilla)

3. teach in a different state/area (such as DC)

PRO's: 

- new experience, new people, new area

- cash-money ($$$) and inherent need for an apartment

CON's: 

- have to get multiple state licenses for teaching ($$$&time)

- new place, lack of old place/people (... see adjustment period)

- can I realistically afford this? (apartment and loan payments??) 

- no chance of participating in Stoughton LIFE TEEN (could find different parish? but not the same.)

(^ this is a similar argument for moving out of the country.. only con's are exaggerated so... keep that in consideration)

There are a few things that I just need to decide. And I think that's where my decision comes down to its breaking point.

1. Feelings for/about a certain person. Where is it/are they going? Is it worth remaining static for? (this is big because I'm at a loss for a next step right now) 

2. Do I want to start teaching? Can I teach without freaking out with the "this is what I'm stuck doing for the rest of my life" mentality?

3. Can I handle being away from friends and family? Going somewhere new by myself. I don't even feel like I've fully experienced Boston. I'm not ready to leave it yet. 

Ahhhhh. I don't know what to do. Can I postpone the decision-making process altogether? 

the best days of my life?

One month left. (+ 4 days). I can't believe that after May 18th I'm done. And I still feel like I have no definite plans. I know(think) that eventually I want to teach. But I also know(think) that I want a year off in between. There's just so much I want to do, and I feel like I want to do it all, but I know I can't, and that's so frustrating. I hate feeling limited. I feel like before I start teaching (which I will likely spend most of my life doing) I need to experience new things, new people, and new places. 

Here are my options, or ideas of what I want to/could do next year. 

1. Teach. Or at least look for a teaching job. Perks? Um, a salary. Benefits. And ideally, a good experience. 

2. I want to take random classes. Specifically some  kind of art class, and/or some kind of language. I really miss taking a language. I kind of want to take a Spanish or Portuguese class. This ties into the fact that I potentially would like to go to grad school with some kind of focus on ESL student learning. I feel like working with immigrant students or just ESL students in general could be really exciting. Also - an art class. Photography or drawing, maybe. I don't want to draw people though, I HATE that. 

- Also in respects to classes, I really feel like I jumped into a major too quickly at BC. I didn't take enough random courses. I wish I had taken some international studies courses, or more Faith, Peace, and Justice courses. I could see myself with careers in these areas as well. 

3. Travel. I don't even care where. I want to go SOMEWHERE. Ideally, I could mix this with a service trip or some kind of service. Here are some areas I am leaning towards/feel called to:

- Latin America 

- South America: specifically Brazil. I'm really interested in that country for multiple reasons. I just keep finding more things and meeting more people that make me want to go there. 

- Africa ... that's a given. 

- For travel, and less service... really anywhere in Europe and anywhere in the US. Like states I haven't been too. 

...Roadtrip. I would just need to rent a car because I'm fairly sure mine would fall apart. 

... All I know in my heart is that I need to be involved in LIFE TEEN. This is the one place I know I feel completely fulfilled. So above all else, I want to be able to commit more time to this. I'm really excited to have a year off to just breathe. It's hard to explain to some people, and it already isn't going over really well with my mom/dad. I just really feel that I need a break to breathe, and travel, and relax. If I taught I don't feel like I would commit my full attention to the kids I taught, and that's not fair. 

I'm really ready to graduate. Too bad GAP won't just pay me MOREEE. I don't even think I can get full time status. Meh. 

Welcome to...

So, decided to make a new blog. Had an old one, will still probably keep it. Just too much personal stuff that it couldn't be made public. This one hopefully will be.

I just want to start with something I wrote in the old one after I got back from a vacation. I reread it recently and I realized I needed to hear it again. So here goes. 

(July 9th, 2007)

"So basically I was thinking about how sometimes you just feel like God is trying to tell you something, or make you understand something. I always see symbols of God in my life, or just different ways to understand God's love. So I'm going to try to update this when things make sense.

Something that's been on my mind for a while recently is the feeling of standing beside an ocean. Beside an immense body of water. Think about it. If no one knew exactly where you were, and the area around the ocean was completely desolate, no one would even know you existed. How would they ever find you? The ocean is just SO huge, and I am so small. That's how I've been feeling lately, small. What can I, one individual person, possibly do to change the world? 

So one might wonder why I would want to go to a place where I feel completely alone. Isn't that a horrible feeling? It's the opposite - I love it. I rarely feel more at peace than I do when I am sitting by an ocean (or even a lake), perfectly alone. I was sitting on the balcony of the condo I stayed in in Florida and I realized something. Better yet, God told me something, whispered it in the breeze of the ocean.It's really hard for me to explain because I normally really struggle with hearing God's voice in my life. I never know who is really talking, Him to me, or me to myself. But this I know was God. And here is what I got from it.

It doesn't matter to God how small you are, He still loves you. Completely. The God who made the oceans so wide and breathed life into billions of people, loves me and wants to be a part of my life. This seems so simple, but it's an image that really speaks volumes to me. I'm am completely miniscule, standing by the ocean makes me realize that. But it's a beautiful feeling.

At that very moment, when nearly all of the billions of other people in the world, had no idea where I was or even that I existed, God loved me just the same. I am literally a speck among grains of sand, but God still holds me in his arms and is completely in love with me. How beautiful. 

With all of the trouble I have with hearing God's voice in my life, God tells me that I still matter. I may only be one person, but I am a creation of God and he knows me completely. 

Being one person what can I do? I can do great things. I can do small things that turn into huge things. As long as I do them with love. Caring about one person and them as an individual is just as valuable as helping many. But why stop there? I believe that God challenges you to challenge yourself. If you can love one person, that is amazing. But you shouldn't be content there. Keep loving. Keep loving even when it is most difficult. Believe me, I'll be there struggling with you - it's not always easy to love. But if God can love you, one of billions, and be with you every step of the way, don't you owe it to Him to at least try?

And if you ever want to sit by the ocean with me, know that I am always there. Sometimes it is nice to be humbled enough to know that the world doesn't have to revolve around you for God to love you completely."