my refuge, my shelter, now and forever more.

SO much new going on in my life I feel I might explode.

I'M AN OFFICIAL TEACHER NOW.

What?!?!

Interviewed on Friday, hired on Saturday, first day of school (see: without any textbooks, never seeing my classroom, and no class lists!) on Tuesday 9/7.

Thank GOD for the community of St. Catherine's and especially the teachers that have been so kind to me in the past week. SO helpful, and so patient. Also, feeling pretty thankful for my middle school-ers, that aside from being a little too loud - they are genuinely good kids. I admittedly just need to work on getting them (and keeping them) quiet. The problem is that I'm usually not annoyed by loud, so I tend to just put up with it.

Today I learned that I do not function without morning coffee. I didn't have time to stop today and I was noticeably more tired, less alert, and more annoyed. Can't have that happening.

- I also learned that everything takes longer for middle school kids to learn (in comparison to high school-ers). I plan lessons thinking I don't have enough for a class period, and I get through maaaaybe my opening lesson plan.

What I've learned from this whole experience is really just to place my life in the hands of my Lord. I had seriously given up on my job search. School had literally already started in most districts, and there was pretty much no chance for me to find a teaching job. For once in my life, I feel that I was able to put my trust completely in the Lord and he came to my rescue. I kept praying that God would just illuminate the step ahead of me. I don't need to know my future, the decades ahead of me - which is good because I never will. I just need to trust that God will take me and lead me where I need to be.

Lord - my life is in your hands.

DAY 7.

I missed yesterday.

SO here's today. Bought a new flavor of soy ice cream. mmm.

So as established elsewhere, I find my job useless, no meaning, etc. My store is fresh from a GM conference so she's been gap-brainwashed. The founded of GAP, who recently passed away (Don Fischer), had a saying, "Do what you love."

Everytime I hear that I think "the GAP is NOT what I love." I love God, I love LIFE TEEN, I love youth ministry, I love teenagers, I love education.

It really is so time to find a new job.

As for Scripture. I read through the Pentecost story in Acts again. So exciting! Go Holy Spirit!

6.

Day six.

I found VEGAN chocolate chip cookies today at Whole Foods. (Apparently, I live there.) AND they were chewy (see: not cardboard). God must work in desserts as well.

Did a little Bible lookup for CCD class tonight. I love the sidetracks that happen in my class. We talked about having a conscience and what that means for your life in society as a confirmed Catholic. I am so blessed to teach such amazing kids. Even if they play Pokemon on their GameBoy color, or some weird rollercoaster game on an iPod.

Retreat planned with Mark afterwards. I love this retreat. I'm excited! (understatement.)

DAY 5 (Sunday)

Today was interesting. Soy latte, soy milk and cereal. That was good.

Went to look at 2 apartments with mother. Easton and Stoughton. Apparently she's in love with the Stoughton one. So, all in all, I'm going to look for the best in things. I have a home, I will have a home (shelter, a place to sleep). My bedroom is decent sized. It's a chance to redecorate, since my current room has left over stuff from middle school (a multitude of ducks, old furniture, etc.). Maybe this is what my mother and I need to get along better.

In reality, I just want a place of my own.

Speaking of things of my own.

Life night was good, unexpected surprise at the end. Fun conversation. I always think it's funny when God allows things that you want/can't have presently to be dangled in front of your face. I know He's not being malicious, and there's a point to it. But it's SO frustrating. Like, I really want to hear about the other girl you're dating, for sure. And I love to hear that the one thing she lacks, I could fulfill.

Reminds me of something that came to me in prayer on the day retreat. Kind of like God saying, "You want a true love, want to be with a Catholic man, someone who has the same faith as you, are you surprised that it's taking a long time to find one?" If I want a specific kind of relationship, I guess I have to be realistic and know that realistically the kind of partner I desire is few and far between. Like God is assuring me, "He's worth the wait, believe me." But when?

It frustrates me that this is such a majority of what I can focus on in my scripture reading. How does said scripture verse relate to what I'm thinking about. Like I'm telling God what I want to talk about, instead of letting him reveal things to me that HE wants to mention.

More to come. I have to work early tomorrow.

there is none like You

DAY FOUR.

I miss cheese. Dairy that is. Today was a difficult vegan day. Linda was talking about how being vegan is an unhealthy lent choice and how I need calcium and vitamin D. I think for 40 days, I'll be okay.

At the day of reflection at St. Joseph's in Milton, we had lunch provided. I brought something just in case. But there was salad, so I just had that. Used Italian dressing, after I was eating it I realized that it had parmesan cheese in it. Boo. Imperfection.

On a separate note, I think I miss dairy more then Facebook. Interesting.

I'll update more about the day retreat, and Bible reading later. I'm exhausted now. But here's a preview: we talked a lot about desert spirituality, the desert as the first chapel, and Exodus 3.

DAY THREE

Lent Day Three.

Actually ate more vegetables today then soy products.

On my break at work, I read through 1 John. Short book, but SO good. Talks a lot about the love that we are called to practice as Christians. Sacrificial, occasionally painful, definitely worth it.

1 John 2:28 "And now, children, remain in him, so that when he appears we may have confidence and not be put to shame by him at his coming."

- The notes I read in my Bible explained this a little more. Like we must base our faith on Christ's gift of love, and have confidence that we are His. God sees more in us then we see in ourselves. And there will be times (like coming off a retreat high) when we don't feel the warm and fuzzy of our faith, when you'll need to keep praying even if you don't think God is responding (because He is, you just can't hear it). So we must "remain in Him." Keep praying, keep receiving Christ in the Eucharist, keep loving, and keep trying to build your relationship with him.

1 John 1:5 "God is light, and in him is no darkness at all." God is not capable of darkness. So that must mean that all His actions, the things that he will to happen, and the things that he allow to happen, are good. Even when we don't understand his actions, or his plan, they are still good. Because God is light, and in him is no darkness at all. God does not desire our unhappiness, God does not desire our pain, or our destruction. Our times of suffering, times of pain, are purposeful. What could God be revealing in suffering, yours or mine?

- I just remembered a chapter in Max Lucado's book that I was reading today. It talks about God whispering to us, "If you only knew." It compares his actions and our commit to Christ to fire and light. He tells a story about a man who brings fire to those who are living in darkness and cold. At first they are all hesitant of the fire, because the light hurts their eyes. To which the stranger (see: Christ) replies, "Light always hurts at first." (Paraphrased) Then a few of the people try to step towards the fire, and see that it is warm (-> good). Some of them refuse, and choose to stay in the darkness that they know and are comfortable with then move towards something better. How often are we like this. A change might be painful at first, but then we will realize the good that comes of it. A move, an end to a relationship, a challenge. All seemingly painful, but ultimately leave us better then we were before. "If you only knew." If we only knew who God truly is, and what His plan for us is, and how wonderful life with Him can be, then we would run full force towards him. Regardless of pain, hesitance, and self-doubt.

We must remain in Him, confident that He will lead us where we need to go. He is not a passenger, he is the pilot.

In the desert of temptation, lies the storm of true conversion...

So, we're in Lent.

I'm hoping that in abstaining from Facebook, that God will reveal himself more in the Word. The more I take time to read and pray with my Bible, the more I learn about God and his love and myself.

It's funny because although it's weird to not be checking Facebook constantly, I don't really miss it yet. It's a welcomed break from the overanalyzing, overthinking, and useless worry.

So here I am, writing to remember what I experience this Lent.

I missed Day One, but I'm going to try and update daily for the next 39 days.

This Lent I'm giving up Facebook, and dairy products (see: Vegan). The Vegan portion is just a challenge for myself, to see if I can do it I guess. It requires a lot of attention to what I'm putting in my body, which in reality is a good eye opener.

The Facebook portion is a little more complicated. How often does Facebook lead me to sin? Do I judge others because of what I see there? Am I more self-critical because of what I do or don't see there? How much time do I waste there that I could have spent in prayer? (A MUCH better use of time.) It's amazing that one thing can throw my mood so much. So Facebook you need to go away for a while.

DAY ONE.

Got my ashes at 6:45 am Mass. Fr. Rick did the mass, so that was good. Ran to work, was late. Fine with that. Made it through fasting fairly well, even minus coffee. On break opened up my Bible, as (kind of) usual. Between reading my Max Lucado book and praying, I came upon Ecclesiastes 3:10-15. Talks about how God has a time for everything (see: HIS plan, not mine) and how man might try to understand it, but ultimately we fail. I want to know what is in my future, but realistically it is not in my ability to know. Things change, plans fail, and choices are made. My biggest challenge right now is to truly TRUST in God's timing in my life. (Personal life, job, housing, etc).

Went food shopping after work. Soy milk, soy cheese, soy yogurt. Two are check. One (cheese) I haven't tried yet. I just want it to melt.

DAY TWO:

Work. Got Dunkin Donuts on the way to work. Brought my own soy milk to put in my coffee. Tasted dece.

It's so funny how often I hit the applications button on my Blackberry out of habit. Looking to click Facebook. Too bad I deleted the app. It's interesting to think about how much we do out of habit. The difference between good and bad habits, as well. Both as easy to create? Need to focus on creating GOOD habits, so that they can remain unbroken when I need to break the bad ones.

Soy latte at Starbucks (that's no different). Went fruit/vegetable shopping. Need to go cut those up now.

Going to the gym later with Nichole, let's hope I'm not lazy!

OH, and I heard a song on Pandora while I was driving. It was based on Psalm 36. "Your love oh, Lord, is like the mighty mountains. Your faithfulness, stretches to the sky." God is SO good, it's crazy.